The Thin Book of Trust by Charles Feltman - Book Summary
This is my summary of ‘The Thin Book of Trust’ by Charles Feltman. My notes are informal and tailored to my own interests at the time of reading. They mostly contain quotes from the book as well as some of my own thoughts. I enjoyed this book and would recommend you read it yourself (check it out on Amazon).
Definition of trust
Trust is defined as choosing to risk making something you value vulnerable to another person’s actions.
When you trust someone, what you make vulnerable can range from concrete things such as money, a job, a promotion, or a particular goal, to less tangible things like a belief you hold, a cherished way of doing things, your “good name,” or even your sense of happiness and well being.
Whatever you choose to make vulnerable to the other’s actions, you do so because you believe that their actions will support it or, at the very least, will not harm it.
Behaviors that are indicative of trust:
Cooperating
Collaborating
Engaging in conversations
Dialog and debate of ideas
Listening
Communicating freely
Supporting others
Sharing information
Offering ideas
Expecting the best
Willingness to examine own actions
Distrust is essentially the opposite of trust in that it is a choice not to make yourself vulnerable to another person’s actions. It is a general assessment that; what is important to me is not safe with this person in this situation (or any situation).
What you believe is not safe with the person can be anything important to you, including the work you or your team are doing, a deadline you need to meet, your reputation or status, your health or happiness.
Whatever “it” is, distrust reflects your fear that person will mishandle, damage, lose, destroy, steal, or use “it” for their gain.
When we distrust another person we look for ways to protect what we value.
Behaviors of distrust (strategies people use to protect themselves):
Defending
Direct attack
Resisting
Blaming
Complaining
Judging
Avoiding / ignoring
Withholding information and ideas
Expecting the worst
Justifying protective actions based on distrust
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The four distinctions of trust
The choice to trust consists of four distinct assessments about how someone is likely to act. These assessments are sincerity, reliability, competence, and care. Together they define what we consider to be a person’s trustworthiness. Through the assessment of these attributes, you can clearly identify what may be getting in the way of trusting others. For example someone may be competent, or able to do the work, but is not reliable. You can address the reliability issue with this person rather than simply labeling them untrustworthy.
(1) Sincerity:
Definition: Sincerity is the assessment that you are honest, that you say what you mean and mean what you say; you can be believed and taken seriously. It also means when you express an opinion it is valid, useful, and is backed up by sound thinking and evidence. Finally, it means that your actions will align with your words.
Examples of how people have referred to sincerity:
“What I really appreciate about Tom is he doesn’t just talk about how things need to change and expect others to go do it. He makes it happen. When he started here two years ago he publicly declared to the entire company that he wanted this to be a place where everyone’s ideas would be heard, respected and considered. A lot of people were skeptical at first, me included. But he was sincere about it. He actually did what was needed to get us to buy in and make it happen. And it’s paid off. We’ve gotten lots of great ideas for saving money and improving processes, even new products, from people all over the company - manufacturing folks, customer service reps, a receptionist, and several middle managers.”
“One of the things that makes Elaine believable is she doesn’t sugar-coat things. Her talk at the recent company-wide meeting was a breath of fresh air. She acknowledged that we are in trouble and actually named some of the specific problems. But she also gave us some good news I could believe. When she told us why she believes we can turn things around I found myself believing that too. I really got excited.”
A bad example of someone who is not perceived as sincere:
“The senior VP of sales and marketing says our division is critical to the overall success of the company, but he sure doesn’t act like we are. When we ask for something from corporate marketing or sales he talks like they’ll support what we’re doing, but then he turns around and pulls the rug out from under us. For example, this year we proposed a new incentive plan for the sales force that would have compensated them better for selling our division’s products without costing the company any more. When our GM and I talked to the VP about it, he said he would implement it. But at the last minute he revamped the comp plan and completely gutted the part that would have incented the sales force to sell our division’s products. His excuse was that it was impractical, but at this point I really don’t believe he ever meant to keep it in the plan.”
If you change your mind, as we all do from time to time, maintaining others’ trust in your sincerity requires that you let them know you are now committed to something different.
Your sincerity can be questioned if you appear to say one thing to one person and something different to another, or if what you say isn’t consistent over time. The key word here is “appear.”
(2) Reliability:
Definition: Reliability is the assessment that you meet the commitments you make, that you keep your promises.
Examples of how people have referred to reliability:
“At the end of every team meeting we go around and make sure everyone knows what actions to take. The great thing about the people on this team is that they almost always do what they commit to. It’s really extraordinary, which is a sad thing to say because it should be ordinary.”
“One of the things I can trust about Cindy is that when she makes a commitment you can be sure she’ll follow through. And if she can’t because something unexpected comes up, she’ll let you know as soon as she knows.”
A bad example of someone who is not perceived as reliable:
“I used to believe Kelly when she said she’d help me out with this or that. But after being burned a few times I don’t trust her at all anymore.”
Unclear or incomplete requests, offers and commitments are often the source of unintended breaches of trust (reliability).
You make commitments in two ways: in response to someone else’s request (or, if they are higher up in the organization, it might be direction or command); or by making an offer to someone. When the other person accepts your offer they usually consider it a commitment on your part.
Ideally when someone makes a request or gives you direction they include all the information you need to determine whether you can commit to fulfilling it or not. If you say yes, they will assume you have committed to do exactly what they had asked of you.
But if the request is unclear and you say yes anyway, they will still assume you have committed to do exactly what they had asked - only you won’t be clear on all the specifics of what they want.
There are five elements that make for clear, complete, and direct requests: customer, performer, action, conditions of satisfaction, and timeframe.
Customer: who is asking? This may seem obvious, but it isn’t always. For example, who is the customer when someone says something like, “We need to do some research on this?” Know whom you can go to if you have additional questions or concerns about the request.
Performer: who is being asked to fulfill the request? Are you clear that you are the intended performer? Are you the right person to do this? If not, who should the request be directed to?
Action: what does the customer want you to do? Is it something you have the time, ability, and resources to do?
Conditions of satisfaction: how will you know it’s been done to the customer’s satisfaction?
Timeframe: when does the customer want it completed? ASAP is not a useful timeframe unless you are clear about what that means to the customer. You may find the customer upset because you thought of ASAP meant by the end of the week and the customer was expecting it by the end of the day.
If you have any questions about any of those elements and you don’t get clarification, you are setting yourself up to make a commitment that you may not be able to fulfill to the customer’s satisfaction. If something is missing from the request, it is up to you to ask for it.
If you realize you will not be able to fulfill a commitment, you should revoke or renegotiate your commitment as soon as you make that realization.
How often has someone made a commitment to you and then told you when it was due that they hadn’t been able to do it? How has that affected your level of trust in them?
What I’ve found works best is when an organization’s leaders make it clear that they would prefer everyone to acknowledge when they honestly can’t meet their commitments and people who revoke commitments won’t be punished.
Make a practice of telling your customers when you’ve delivered on your commitments.
Checking that your customer is satisfied with what you’ve done also tends to build trust by letting them know you are committed to their satisfaction.
(3) Competence:
Definition: Competence is the assessment that you have the ability to do what you are doing or propose to do. In the workplace this usually means the other person believes you have the requisite capacity, skill, knowledge and resources to do a particular task or job; or to act effectively within a specific domain such as accounting, marketing, project management, or leading people. It means you do well enough to satisfy the standards of the person who is judging you.
Examples of how people have referred to competence:
“I brought Linda in to run the office after Ron left so suddenly because I trust her ability as a leader to get the best out of people even in the most difficult situations. I know she’ll come through for them and for us.”
“I’m putting Raj on this project because I trust that if anyone can fix this mess, he can. He is my most competent engineering manager. What I ask is that you trust his lead and do what he asks.”
A bad example of someone who is not considered as competent:
Paul may have been a competent sales person, but he certainly wasn’t a competent district manager, so I don’t know how he got promoted to regional VP. The only thing I can imagine is the senior VP of sales doesn’t know how incompetent he is. Which kind of begs the question, how competent is our senior VP?
People judge us as competent in one domain but not in others.
However, sometimes the “brightness effect” (halo effect) can cause people to confer an assessment of competence on you in a area where you don’t claim competence.
Example: a highly competent engineer is promoted to a management position because people assume his competence in engineering means he will be competent at managing engineers. Managing others is a different skill set from engineering.
Being competent does NOT mean being perfect. Part of doing something well is knowing what you don’t know, being willing to learn, and to ask for help when you need it.
When you don’t know something, say so and ask for help, clarification, training, or whatever you need to perform what was asked. Cultivating trust in your competence doesn’t mean you have to be fully competent from the get-go. It does require being honest with others about what you can and can’t do, what you know and what you don’t.
Ask for feedback from others about your performance. Don’t wait for them to tell you that you are making mistakes. Often people won’t tell you your performance isn’t good enough until you’ve made some big mistakes and they actively distrust your competence.
(4) Care:
Definition: Care is the assessment that you have the other person’s interests in mind as well as your own when you make decisions and take actions.
“The leaders who work most effectively, it seems to me, never say, “I.” And that’s not because they have trained themselves not to say “I.” They don’t think “I.” They think “we,” they think “team.” They understand their job is to make the team function. They accept responsibility and don’t sidestep it, but “we” gets the credit. This is what creates trust, what enables you to get the task done.’ - Peter Drucker.
Of the four assessments of trustworthiness, care is in some ways the most important for building lasting trust.
When people believe you are only concerned with your self-interest and don’t consider their interests as well, they may trust your sincerity, reliability, and competence, but they will tend to limit their trust of you to specific situations or transactions.
On the other hand, when people believe you hold their interests in mind, they will extend their trust more broadly to you. You don’t have to convince them every time you need their trust.
They will tend to be more forgiving when things inevitably go wrong. When you occasionally miss a deadline (reliance), say something to one person that contradicts something you said to someone else (sincerity), or make a mistake in your work (competence) others will give you the benefit of the doubt much more readily if they believe you care.
As a leader you will be trusted when, even though you may not be able to act on each individual employee’s best interests, they believe you are acting in the best interests of the group’s shared enterprise. They see your actions as supporting and sustaining what they value.
An example of how someone has referred to care:
“One of the things I appreciate about working here is that I know my boss really cares about my professional development. He genuinely wants me to be a capable leader, whether I use those skills here or somewhere else.”
Intimacy is fundamental to the assessment of care in a relationship.
Think of the people you believe have your interests at heart. In every case I bet they will have in some way honestly shared with you some of what is important to them - their values, hopes, dreams, and/or concerns. This is how intimacy is established, how it grows.
If you want people to believe you are concerned about their interests, listen to what is important to them and tell them what is important to you.
Listen to others, to what they say, and what they are trying to communicate.
You may have known someone who listened to you as if you were the only person in the world, who gave you their complete attention when you spoke. They let you say what you had to say and didn’t respond with words of judgment. They probably also looked you in the eye, and may have asked questions and responded in ways that told you they heard what you meant to say. If you can be this kind of listener for others, they will trust that you care.
Before you speak or act, ask yourself the following question: will what I am about to say or do serve the people I work with, work for, my employees and my company, as well as me? Why do I believe it will serve them?
If you recognize that what you are thinking of doing is only really going to serve you and will likely damage the interests of others, ask yourself if doing it is important enough to risk losing their trust.
When you make decisions or take action, let people know you understand how it affects them, even if the effect is adverse. Tell them why you are doing what you’re doing and identify the interests your actions serve.
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How to build your emotional skill of trust
Ask yourself:
How am I acting in ways that build trust in my sincerity, reliability, competence, and care?
What are others you trust saying and doing that makes them trustworthy?
How do their actions relate to the 4 distinctions?
As you become adept at observing through the lens of sincerity, reliability, competence and care, begin asking yourself what you are saying and doing that might be diminishing your trustworthiness in the eyes of others.
Ask others whom you trust to tell you how they experience you in each of the four areas of trust (could make a feedback form for that).
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Confronting distrust
Whenever distrust of any kind creeps into relationships in the workplace it produces attitudes and behaviors guaranteed to undermine effective work, including suspicion, resistance, defensiveness, interpersonal conflict, withholding of information, and overzealous checking of others’ work. When distrust becomes part of an organization’s culture it leads to increasingly elaborate and draconian control mechanisms. People’s time, energy, and creativity are channeled into actions that may make them feel somewhat safer, but do not product what they really want and need - good working relationships based on trust.
Think of a person you do not trust:
Is it blanket distrust, or can you identify specific areas of distrust?
Specifically what do you value that you do not trust them with?
What are you concerned they might do with what you value?
What does this person say and/or do that causes you to distrust them?
What do you do to avoid being harmed by this person’s untrustworthy actions?
How to give feedback to someone you don’t trust:
(1) Decide if you are willing to talk to the person about it by asking yourself the following questions:
What might I lose by having the conversation?
What will I lose by continuing to distrust this person?
How will it benefit me, my team and my company to work this out so I can trust this person?
(2) Identify the assessment(s) you are concerned about:
Sincerity
Reliability
Competence
Care
(3) Define the standard you are using. The point of this step is to realize that the other person may well have different standards than you. If this is so, then you can focus your conversation to arrive at a shared understanding.
(4) Identify the specific actions or behaviors that have led to your assessment of distrust. This is a critical step. Telling the person specifically what they do and/or say (or don’t) that you interpret as untrustworthy can help them understand how to rebuild trust with you.
(5) Determine what you need from them in order for them to regain your trust. What can they do that will address your concerns and reassure you that you can begin or resume trusting them? Think it through from the other person’s perspective. Is it something they have the capacity to do? Can they do it in the context of the work environment? How can you help them regain your trust?
(6) Ask the other person if they would be willing to have a conversation with you about something that concerns you. Agree on a time and place that are mutually convenient and private. Avoid blindsiding them by bringing this up as part of a conversation about something else. You want the other person to be calm, thoughtful, and open to listening to your concern, and not defensive.
If you betrayed someone’s trust:
The only known antidote for betrayal of someone’s trust is to acknowledge it and apologize for it. To acknowledge the betrayal means recognizing what you did was wrong or damaging in the other person’s eyes. Even if you didn’t intend it.
People are often hesitant to talk about broken trust. Sometimes the only way to recognize that you have done something that has damaged another’s trust is that they act differently. The person may be less communicative, more resistant, or less cooperative than usual. At the same time, they may seem quite pleasant toward you (“cordial hypocrisy”). In this case you may have to invest some effort to get this person to admit their distrust before you can acknowledge and apologize.
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