The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey - Book Summary
This is my summary of ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People’ by Stephen R. Covey. My notes are informal and tailored to my own interests at the time of reading. They mostly contain quotes from the book as well as some of my own thoughts. I enjoyed this book and would recommend you read it yourself (check it out on Amazon).
My summary doesn’t follow the structure of the book. I took the parts that taught me something and ordered them by their general topic. This allows me to compare and contrast lessons from different books. Different authors often talk about the same concepts under different names and organized in different structures. The topics are ordered alphabetically.
Coaching
There are times to teach and times not to teach:
When relationships are strained and the air charged with emotion, and attempt to teach is often perceived as a form of judgment and rejection.
But to take the child alone, quietly, when the relationship is good and to discuss the teaching or the value seems to have much greater impact.
Work on your own mindset:
When parents see their children’s problems as opportunities to build the relationship instead of as negative, burdensome irritations, it totally changes the nature of parent-child interaction. Parents become more willing, even excited, about deeply understanding and helping their children. When a child comes to them with a problem, instead of thinking, “Oh no! Not another problem!” their paradigm is, “Here is a great opportunity for me to really help my child and to invest in our relationship.”
Communication
(influence) “No one can persuade another to change. Each of us guards a gate of change that can only be opened from the inside. We cannot open the gate of another, either by argument or by emotional appeal.” - Marilyn Ferguson
(principles of effective communication) High trust radically improves communication. My communication may not be clear, but you’ll get my meaning anyway. You won’t make me an “offender for a word.” When the trust account is high, communication is easy, instant, and effective.
(principles of effective communication) Seek first to understand, then to be understood. We have such a tendency to rush in, to fix things up with good advice. But we often fail to take the time to diagnose, to really, deeply understand the problem first.
(listening) Practice empathetic listening:
Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply. They’re either speaking or preparing to speak. They’re filtering everything through their own paradigms, reading their autobiography into other people’s lives:
“Oh, I know exactly how you feel!”
“I went through the exact same thing. Let me tell you about my experience.”
Empathetic listening gets inside another person’s frame of reference. You look out through it, you see the world the way they see the world, you understand their paradigm, you understand how they feel. The essence of empathetic listening is not that you agree with someone; it’s that you fully, deeply understand that person, emotionally as well as intellectually.
Next to physical survival, the greatest need of a human being is psychological survival - to be understood, to be affirmed, to be validated, to be appreciated.
Delegation
Effectively delegating to others is perhaps the single most powerful high-leverage activity there is. Transferring responsibility to other skilled and trained people enables you to give your energies to other high-leverage activities.
Effective delegation is focused on results instead of methods. It gives people a choice of method and makes them responsible for results. It involves clear, up-front mutual understanding and commitment regarding expectations in five areas:
Desired results. Create a clear, mutual understanding of what needs to be accomplished, focusing on what, not how; results, not methods. Spend time. Be patient. Visualize the desired result. Have the person see it, describe it, make out a quality statement of what the results will look like, and by when they will be accomplished.
Guidelines. You don’t want to have to reinvent the wheel every day. Let people learn from your mistakes or the mistakes of others. Point out the potential failure paths, what not to do, but don’t tell them what to do.
Resources. Identify the human, financial, technical, or organizational resources the person can draw on to accomplish the desired results.
Accountability: Set up the standards of performance that will be used in evaluating the results and the specific times when reporting and evaluation will take place.
Consequences. Specify what will happen, both good and bad, as a result of the evaluation.
Keep in mind the maturity of the person you’re delegating to:
With immature people, you specify fewer desired results and more guidelines, identify more resources, conduct more frequent accountability interviews, and apply more immediate consequences.
With more mature people, you have more challenging desired results, fewer guidelines, less frequent accountability, and less measurable but more discernible criteria.
Emotional agility
The ability to subordinate an impulse to a value is the essence of the proactive person. You are still influenced by external stimuli, whether physical, social, or psychological. But your response to the stimuli, conscious or unconscious, should be a value-based choice or response.
Goal-setting
“Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least.” - Goethe
Focus your efforts in the circle of influence:
Work on things you can do something about.
Don’t focus your efforts in the circle of concern. Don’t focus on the weaknesses of other people, the problems in the environment, and circumstances over which you have no control. Such as focus will result in blaming and accusing attitudes, reactive language, and increased feelings of victimization. The negative energy generated by such a focus, combined with neglect in areas that you could do something about, will cause your circle of influence to shrink.
For problems outside of your control, take the responsibility to change the line on the bottom of your face - to smile, to genuinely and peacefully accept these problems and learn to live with them, even though we don’t like them. AA prayer: “Lord, give me the courage to change the things which can and ought to be changed, the serenity to accept the things which cannot be changed, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Begin with the end in mind:
Begin today with the image, picture, or paradigm of the end of your life as your frame of reference or the criterion by which everything else is examined.
Each part of your life - today’s behavior, tomorrow’s behavior, next week’s behavior, next month’s behavior - can be examined in the context of the whole, of what really matters most to you.
By keeping that clearly in mind, you can make certain that whatever you do on any particular day does not violate the criteria you have defined as supremely important, and that each day of your life contributes in a meaningful way to the vision you have of your life as a whole.
To begin with the end in mind means to start with a clear understanding of your destination. It means to know where you are going so that you better understand where you are now and so that the next steps you take area ways in the right direction.
People often find themselves achieving victories that are empty successes that have come at the expense of things they suddenly realize were far more valuable to them.
We may be very busy, we may be very efficient, but we will also be truly effective only when we begin with the end in mind.
We are more in need of a vision or destination and a compass (a set of principles or directions) and less in need of a road map. We often don’t know what the terrain ahead will be like or what we will need to go through it; much will depend on our judgment at the time. But an inner compass will always give us direction.
Focus on results rather than activity:
An effective goal focuses primarily on results rather than activity. It identifies where you want to be, and, in the process, helps you determine where you are. It gives you important information on how to get there, and it tells you when you have arrived.
Habits
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. - Aristotle.
“Sometimes when I consider what tremendous consequences come from little things… I am tempted to think… there are no little things.” - Bruce Barton.
How to say “no”
Keep in mind that you are always saying “no” to something. If it isn’t to the apparent, urgent things in your life, it is probably to the more fundamental, highly important things. Even when the urgent is good, the good can keep you from the best.
Influence
Look at the weaknesses of others with compassion, not accusation. It’s not what they’re not doing or should be doing that’s the issue. The issue is your own chosen response to the situation and what you should be doing.
The techniques that really make a difference in human interaction are the ones that almost naturally flow from a truly independent character. So the place to begin building any relationship is inside ourselves, inside our circle of influence, our own character.
Building and repairing relationships takes time. Don’t be impatient, and focus on your own circle of influence.
Leadership
Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things.
Mental models
Covey calls them ‘paradigms’.
A model, theory, perception, assumption, or frame of reference. In the more general sense, it’s the way we “see” the world - not in terms of our visual sense of sight, but in terms of perceiving, understanding, interpreting.
A simple way to understand paradigms is to see them as maps. “The map is not the territory.” A map is simply and explanation of certain aspects of the territory. That’s exactly what a paradigm is. It is a theory, an explanation, or model of something else.
Each of us has many, many maps in our head, which can be divided into two main categories:
Maps of the way things are, or realities
Maps of the way things should be, or values
We interpret everything we experience through these mental maps. We seldom question their accuracy; we’re usually even unaware that we have them. We simply assume that the way we see things is the way they really are or the way they should be.
Our attitudes and behaviors grow out of those assumptions. The way we see things is the source of the way we think and the way we act.
Each of us tends to think we see things as they are, that we are objective. But this is not the case. We see the world, not as it is, but as we are - or, as we are conditioned to see it.
The more aware we are of our basic paradigms, maps, or assumptions, and the extent to which we have been influenced by our experience, the more we can take responsibility for those paradigms, examine them, test them against reality, listen to others, and be open to their perceptions, thereby getting a larger picture and a far more objective view.
Negotiation
Think win/win:
Win/win is a frame of mind and heart that constantly seeks mutual benefit in all human interactions. Win/win means that agreements or solutions are mutually beneficial, mutually satisfying. With a win/win solution, all parties feel good about the decision and feel committed to the action plan. In the long run, if it isn’t a win for both of us, we both lose.
Win/Lose is not viable because although I appear to win a confrontation with you, your feelings, your attitudes toward me and our relationship have been affected.
If I come up with a Lose/Win, you may appear to get what you want for the moment. But how will that affect my attitude about working with you, about fulfilling the contract?
Principles
Our problems and pain are universal and increasing, and the solutions to the problems are and always will be based upon universal, timeless, self-evident principles common to every enduring, prospering society throughout history.
Principles are not practices:
A practice is a specific activity or action. A practice that works in one circumstance will not necessarily work in another, as parents who have tried to raise a second child exactly like they did the first can readily attest.
While practices are situationally specific, principles are deep, fundamental truths that have universal application. They apply to individuals, to marriages, to families, to private and public organizations of every kind. When these truths are internalized into habits, they empower people to create a wide variety of practices to deal with different situations.
Productivity
Effective management is putting first things first. Organize and execute around priorities.
Time management is really a misnomer - the challenge is not to manage time, but to manage ourselves.
Rather than focusing on things and time, focus on preserving and enhancing relationships and on accomplishing results
Eisenhower matrix:
Focus on quadrant II (important & not urgent):
It is the heart of effective personal management, It deals with things that are not urgent, but are important. It deals with things like building relationships, writing a personal mission statement, long-range planning, exercising, preventive maintenance, preparation - all those things we know we need to do, but somehow seldom get around to doing, because they aren’t urgent. Think preventively.
To say “yes” to important quadrant II priorities, you have to learn to say “no” to other activities, sometimes apparently urgent things.
Urgent:
Urgent means it requires immediate attention. It’s “Now!”
Urgent matters are usually visible. They’re often popular with others. They’re usually right in front of us. And often they are pleasant, easy, fun to do. But so often are they unimportant!
Important:
Importance has to do with results. If something is important, it contributes to your mission, your values, your high priority goals.
Important matters that are not urgent require more initiative, more proactivity. We must act to seize opportunity, to make things happen.
It would be a false dichotomy to say that activities are either important or they aren’t. They are obviously on a continuum, and some important activities are more important than others.
You are not omniscient, so you can’t always know in advance what is truly important.
Draw a time management matrix and try to estimate what percentage of time you spend in each quadrant. Log your time for three days in 15-min intervals.
Exercise:
Ideally, you should be able to do your exercise program in your own home
Your goal is to build endurance, flexibility, and strength:
Endurance comes from aerobic exercise, from cardiovascular efficiency - the ability of your heart to pump blood through your body.
Flexibility comes through stretching.
Strength comes from muscle resistance exercises - like simple calisthenics, push-ups, pull-ups, and sit-ups, and from working with weights.
Resilience
Think proactively:
As human beings, we are responsible for our own lives. Our behavior is a function of our decisions, not our conditions.
Highly proactive people do not blame circumstances, conditions, or conditioning for their behavior. Their behavior is a product of their own conscious choice, based on values, rather than a product of their conditions, based on feeling.
Reactive people are often affected by their physical environment. If the weather is good, they feel good. If it isn’t, it affects their attitude and their performance.
Deal with your own mistakes:
When you make a mistake, admit it, correct it, and learn from it - immediately. Don’t get into blaming, accusing mode. Work on things you have control over. Work on yourself.
Don’t give up.
It’s not what happens to us, but our response to what happens to us that hurts us. Of course, things can hurt us physically or economically and can cause sorrow. But our character, our basic identity, does not have to be hurt at all. In fact, our most difficult experiences become the crucibles that forge our character and develop the internal powers, the freedom to handle difficult circumstances in the future and to inspire others to do so as well.
Embrace the suck.
The successful person has the habit of doing the things that failures don’t like to do. They don’t like doing them either necessarily. But their disliking is subordinated to the strength of their purpose.
Think inside-out instead of outside-in:
Inside-out means to start first with self; even more fundamentally, to start with the most inside part of self - with your paradigms, your character, and your motives:
If you want to have a happy marriage, be the kind of person who generates positive energy and sidesteps negative energy rather than empowering it.
If you want to have a more pleasant, cooperative teenager, be a more understanding, empathetic, consistent, loving parent.
If you want to have more freedom, more latitude in your job, be a more responsible, a more helpful, a more contributing employee.
Outside-in means that each involved group is convinced the problem is “out there” and if “they” (meaning others) would “shape up” or suddenly “ship out” of existence, the problem would be solved.
Self-awareness
Until we take into account how we see ourselves (and how we see others) into account, we will be unable to understand how others see and feel about themselves and their world. Unaware, we will project our intentions on their behavior and call ourselves objective.
Self-management
Some people say that you have to like yourself before you can like others. I think that idea has merit, but if you don’t know yourself, if you don’t control yourself, if you don’t have mastery over yourself, it’s very hard to like yourself, except in some short-term, psych-up, superficial way. Real self-respect comes from dominion over self, from true independence.
There is a gap or a space between stimulus and response, and the key to both our growth and happiness is how we use that space.
Systems thinking
Often the problem is in the system, not in the people. If you put good people in a bad system, you get bad results.
Trust
Trust is the highest form of human motivation It brings out the very best in people. But it takes time and patience, and it doesn’t preclude the necessity to train and develop people so that their competency can rise to the level of that trust.
The emotional bank account:
A metaphor that describes the amount of rust that’s been built up in a relationship. It’s the feeling of safeness you have with another human being.
If I make deposits into an emotional bank account with you through courtesy, kindness, honesty, and keeping my commitments to you, I build up a reserve. Your trust towards me becomes higher, and I can call upon that trust many times if I need to.
If I have a habit of showing discourtesy, disrespect cutting you off, overreacting, ignoring you, becoming arbitrary, betraying your trust, threatening you, or playing little tin god in your life, eventually my emotional bank account is overdrawn.
How to build trust:
Understand the individual:
Really seek to understand the other person. You don’t know that constitutes a deposit to another person until you understand that individual.
What might be a deposit for you - going for a walk to talk things over, going out for ice cream together, working on a common project - might not be perceived by someone else as a deposit at all. It might even be perceived as a withdrawal, if it doesn’t touch the person’s deep interests or needs.
To make a deposit, what is important to another person must be as important to you as the other person is to you. You may be working on a high-priority project when your six-year-old child interrupts with something that seems trivial to you, but it may be very important from his point of view. Recognize and recommit yourself to the value of that person. Subordinate your schedule to that human priority. By accepting the value he places on what he has to say, you show an understanding of him that makes a great deposit.
Our tendency is to project out of our own autobiographies what we think other people want or need. We interpret what constitutes a deposit based on our own needs and desires, either now or when we were at a similar age or stage in life. If they don’t interpret our effort as a deposit, our tendency is to take it as a rejection or our well intentioned effort and to give up.
Attend to the little things:
Small discourtesies, little unkindnesses, little forms of disrespect make large withdrawals. In relationships, the little things are the big things.
Keep commitments:
Keeping a commitment or a promise is a major deposit. Breaking one is a major withdrawal.
There’s probably not a more massive withdrawal than to make a promise that’s important to someone and then not to come through. The next time a promise is made, they won’t believe it.
Clarify expectations:
Unclear expectations in the area of goals undermine communication and trust. The cause of almost all relationship difficulties is rooted in conflicting or ambiguous expectations around roles and goals.
Many expectations are implicit. They haven’t been explicitly stated or announces, but people nevertheless bring them to a particular situation.
When you come into a new situation, get all the expectations out on the table. We create many negative situations by simply assuming that our expectations are self-evident and that they are clearly understood and shared by other people. The deposit is to make the expectations clear and explicit in the beginning.
Show personal integrity:
Integrity includes but goes beyond honesty. Honesty is telling the truth - in other words, conforming our words to reality. Integrity is conforming reality to our words - in other words, keeping promises, and fulfilling expectations.
One of the most important ways to manifest integrity is to be loyal to those who are not present. In doing so, we build the trust of those who are present. When you defend those who are absent, you retain the trust of those present.
Integrity also means avoiding any communication that is deceptive, full of guile, or beneath the dignity of people. “A lie is any communication with intent to deceive.”
Apologize sincerely when you make a withdrawal:
Sincere apologies make deposits, repeated apologies interpreted as insincere make withdrawals.
“If you’re going to bow, bow low.” - Easter proverb
Examples:
“I was wrong.”
“That was unkind of me.”
“I showed you no respect.”
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