How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie - Book Summary
This is my summary of ‘How to win Friends & Influence People’ by Dale Carnegie. My notes are informal and tailored to my own interests at the time of reading. They mostly contain quotes from the book as well as some of my own thoughts. I enjoyed this book and would recommend you read it yourself (check it out on Amazon).
How to win people to your way of thinking
Principle 1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
You can’t win an argument. You can’t because, if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it. Why? Well, suppose you triumph over the other man and shoot his argument full of holes and prove that he is non compos mentis. Then what? You will feel fine, but what about him? You have made him feel inferior. You have hurt his pride. He will resent your triumph.
A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.
If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s good will.
One of the most common of human frailties: he wanted a feeling of importance; and as long as Mr Parsons argued with him, he got his feeling of importance by loudly asserting his authority.
A misunderstanding is never ended by an argument, but by tact, diplomacy, conciliation, and a sympathetic desire to see the other person’s viewpoint.
Could my opponents be right? Partly right? Is there truth or merit in their position or argument? Is my reaction one that will relieve the problem, or will it just relieve any frustration? Will my reaction drive my opponents further away or draw them closer to me? Will my reaction elevate the estimation good people have of me? Will I win or lose? What price will I have to pay if I win? If I am quiet about it, will the disagreement blow over? Is this difficult situation an opportunity for me?
Principle 2: Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say ‘You’re wrong’.
When Theodore Roosevelt was in the White House, he confessed that if he could be right 75 percent of the time, he would reach the highest measure of his expectation.
If you tell them they are wrong, do you make them want to agree with you? Never! For you have struck a direct blow at their intelligence, judgment, pride, and self-respect. That will make them want to strike back. But it will never make them want to change their minds.
Principle 3: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
There is a certain degree of satisfaction in having the courage to admit one’s errors. It not only clears the air of guilt and defensiveness, but often helps solve the problem created by the error.
When we are right, let’s try to win people gently and tactfully to our way of thinking, and when we are wrong - and that will be surprisingly often, if we are honest - let’s admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm.
Principle 4: Begin in a friendly way.
“If you come at me with your fists doubled”, said Woodrow Wilson, “I think I can promise you that mine will double down as fast as yours; but if you come to me and say, ‘Let us sit down and take counsel together, and, if we differ from each other, understand why it is that we differ, just what the points at issue are’, we will presently find that we are not so far apart after all, that the points on which we agree are many, and that if only we have the patience and the candor and the desire to get together, we will get together.”
[A lawyer] He ushered in his most powerful arguments with such friendly remarks as: “It will be for the jury to consider”, “This may, perhaps, be worth thinking of”, “Here are some facts that I trust you will not lose sight of”, or “You, with your knowledge of human nature, will easily see the significance of these facts.” No bulldozing. No high-pressure methods. No attempt to force his opinion on others.
A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.
Principle 5: Get the other person saying “Yes, yes” immediately.
Principle 6: Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
Principle 7: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
Don’t you have much more faith in ideas that you discover for yourself than in ideas that are handed to you on a silver platter? If so, isn’t it bad judgment to try to ram your opinions down the throats of other people? Isn’t it wiser to make suggestions - and let the other person think out the conclusion?
Did House interrupt him and say “That’s not your idea. That’s mine”? Oh no. Not House. He was too adroit for that. He didn’t care about credit. He wanted results. So he let Wilson continue to feel that the idea was his. House did even more than that. He gave WIlson public credit for these ideas.
Principle 8: Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
Remember that other people may be totally wrong. But they don’t think so. Don’t condemn them. Any fool can do that. Try to understand them. Only wise, tolerant, exceptional, people even try to do that. There is a reason why the other man thinks and acts as he does. Ferret out that reason - and you have the key to his actions, perhaps to his personality. Try honestly to put yourself in his place.
By becoming interested in the cause, we are less likely to dislike the effect.
Cooperativeness in conversation is achieved when you show that you consider the other person’s ideas and feelings as important as your own. Starting your conversation by giving the other person the purpose or direction of your conversation, governing what you say by what you would want to hear if you were the listener, and accepting his or her viewpoint will encourage the listener to have an open mind to your ideas.
Principle 9: Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
Sympathy the human species universally craves. The child eagerly displays his injury; or even inflicts a cut or bruise in order to reap abundant sympathy. For the same purpose adults … show their bruises, relate their accidents, illness, especially, details of surgical operations.
Principle 10: Appeal to the nobler motives.
The fact is that all people you meet have a high regard for themselves and like to be fine and unselfish in their own estimation.
A person usually has two reasons for doing a thing: one that sounds good and a real one.
Nothing will work in all cases - and nothing will work with all people.
Principle 11: Dramatize your ideas.
The printing of that book dramatized the fact that the Bulletin carried an enormous amount of interesting reading matter. It conveyed the facts more vividly, more interestingly, more impressively, than pages or figures and mere talk could have done. This the day of dramatization. Merely stating a truth isn’t enough. The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, dramatic. You have to use showmanship. The movies do it. Television does it. And you will have to do it if you want attention.
Principle 12: Throw down a challenge.
The one major factor that motivated people was the work itself. If the work was exciting and interesting, the worker looked forward to doing it and was motivated to do a good job.
Techniques in Handling People and ways to make people like you
“I will speak ill of no man”, he said, “and speak all the good I know of everybody.” Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain - and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving. “A great man shows his greatness,” said Carlyle, “ by the way he treats little men.”
Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance, and kindness.
We complain because it feels (really) good, requires minimal risk, and it’s easy. But it’s destructive for yourself and your organization. Instead, talk with the person directly and try to change the root cause of your urge to complain.
Principle 2: Give honest and sincere appreciation.
There is only one way under high heaven to get anybody to do anything. Did you ever stop to think of that? Yes, just one way. And that is by making the other person want to do it.
Principle 3: Arouse in the other person an eager want.
So the only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.
Tomorrow you may want to persuade somebody to do something. Before you speak, pause and ask yourself: “How can I make the other person want to do it?”
Mind you, I got this reduction without saying a word about what I wanted. I talked about what the other person wanted and how he could get it. Suppose I had done the human, natural thing: suppose I had stormed into his office and said, “What do you mean by raising my rent three hundred percent when you know the tickets have been printed and the announcements made? Three hundred percent! Ridiculous! Absurd! I won’t pay it! What would have happened then? An argument would have begun to steam and boil and sputter - and you know how arguments end. Even if I had convinced him he was wrong, his pride would have made it difficult for him to back down and give in.
Principle 4: Become genuinely interested in other people.
People are not interested in you. They are not interested in me. They are interested in themselves - morning, noon, and after dinner. When you see a group photograph that you are in, whose picture do you look for first?
If we want to make friends, let’s put ourselves out to do things for other people - things that require time, energy, unselfishness, and thoughtfulness.
Principle 5: Smile.
People who smile tend to manage, teach and sell more effectively, and to raise happier children. There’s far more information in a smile than a frown. That’s why encouragement is a much more effective teaching device than punishment.
Principle 6: Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
Principle 7: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
An interesting conversationalist, me? Why, I had said hardly anything at all. But I had done this: I had listened intently. I had listened because I was genuinely interested. And he felt it.
I was tempted to interrupt, but I realized that would be bad policy.
A person’s toothache means more to that person than a famine in China which kills a million people.
Principle 8: Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
Whenever Roosevelt expected a visitor, he sat up late the night before, reading up on the subject in which he knew his guest was particularly interested. For Roosevelt knew, as all leaders know, that the royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most.
Principle 9: Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.
Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment
Principle 1: Begin with praise and honest appreciation
Principle 2: Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
“We’re really proud of you, Johnny, for raising your grades this term. But if you had worked harder on your algebra, the results would have been better.” In this case, Johnny might feel encouraged until he heard the word ‘but’. He might then question the sincerity of the original praise. To him, the praise seemed only to be a contrived lead-in to a critical inference of failure. Credibility would be strained, and we probably would not achieve our objectives of changing Johnny’s behavior.
This could be easily overcome by changing the word “but” to “and”. Now, Johnny would accept the praise because there was no follow-up of an inference of failure.
Principle 3: Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
It isn’t nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your faults if the person criticizing begins by humbly admitting that he, too, is far from impeccable.
Admitting one’s own mistakes - even when one hasn’t corrected them - can help convince somebody to change her behavior.
Principle 4: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
This man declared that all time he had never heard Own D. Young give a direct order to anyone. He always gave suggestions, not orders. He never said, for example, “Do this or do that”. He would say “You might consider this” or “Do you think that would work?”. Frequently he would say, after he had dictated a letter, “What do you think of this?” In looking over a letter of one of his assistants, he would say “Maybe if I were to phrase it this way it would be better”. He always gave people the opportunity to do things themselves. He never told his assistants to do things; he let them do them, let them learn from their mistakes.
A technique like that makes it easy for a person to correct errors. It saves the person pride and gives him a feeling of importance. It encourages cooperation instead of rebellion.
Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable. It often stimulates the creativity of the persons whom you ask. People are more likely to accept the order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued.
Principle 5: Let the other person save face.
I made my report briefly and stated that due to my error I would repeat the study before the next meeting. I sat down, expecting my boss to blow up. Instead, he thanked me for my work and remarked that it was not unusual for a person to make an error on a new project and that he had confidence that the repeat survey would be accurate and meaningful to the company. He assured me, in front of all of my colleagues, that he had faith in me and knew I had done my best, and that my lack of experience, not my lack of ability, was the reason for the failure. I left that meeting with my head up in the air and with the determination that I would never let that boss of mine down again. Even if we are right and the other person is definitely wrong, we only destroy ego by causing someone to lose face.
Principle 6: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise”.
What Mr. Roper did was not just flatter the young printer and say “You’re good”. He specifically pointed out how his work was superior. Because he had singled out a specific accomplishment, rather than just making flattering remarks, his praise became much more meaningful to the person to whom it was given. Everybody likes to be praised, but when praise is specific, it comes across as sincere - not something the other person may be saying just to make one feel good.
Principle 7: Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
If you want to improve a person in a certain respect, act as though hat particular trait were already one of his outstanding characteristics. Give them a fine reputation to live up to, and they will make prodigious efforts rather than see you disillusioned.
Principle 8: Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
Tell your child, spouse, or employee that he or she is stupid at a certain thing, has no gift for it, and is doing it all wrong, and you have destroyed almost every incentive to try to improve.
Use the opposite technique - be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seems easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in their ability to do it, that he has an undeveloped flair for it - and he will practice until the dawn comes in order to excel.
Principle 9: Make the other person happy about doing the thing that you suggest.
Keep the following guidelines in mind when it is necessary to change attitudes or behavior:
Be sincere. Do not promise anything that you cannot deliver. Forget about the benefits for yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person
Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do
Be empathetic. Ask yourself what it is the other person really wants
Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest
Match those benefits to the other person’s wants
When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit
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